Speaking about change, some changes first came from the heart.
Puppy Love
As far as I can recall, the first time I ever had a crush on someone was when I was five years old.
I was in kindergarten when I met a girl named Jessica — she had a tiny frame, eyes that disappeared whenever she smiled and her hair twisted into a lush ponytail that made her sparkle.
I didn’t know what I was feeling back then. I couldn’t tell the difference between a crush and love, they were the same thing to me.
With innocence comes courage. I didn’t know the girl one bit but the way she looked provoked an innate urge to “give”. In my attempts to sway her love, I became Picasso and I drew several art pieces with crayons and sent them her way.
She took them but didn’t pay much attention to them. Boys in the class would tease me about it but I just couldn’t help myself.
Nothing came out of this though — we were far too young.
Admiration
I was never really interested in girls when I was growing up. I was more focused on sports and playing video games. Love was never really part of the equation.
My parents had this one rule which was to never have a relationship up until we entered university. They claimed that relationships were a waste of time and we should focus on where the future is, our education.
But that didn’t mean we couldn’t receive love.
When I was twelve I had a not-so-secret admirer. She wasn’t the typical dainty, demure, sweet looking girl. Rather, she was loud, a pretty looking tomboy that took taekwondo seriously. She also hanged out with the boys quite a bit.
She was really interested in me, asking me about my favorite colors and foods, always wanting to sit beside me and chatting me up whenever she had the chance. I remember that on Valentines Day, she came to my house and gave me flowers.
I was shocked. This was the first time I ever received gifts from the opposite gender. The roles were reversed and at that time, it felt like it was too much for me to handle. I never had a relationship before let alone I wasn’t even interested in love.
I had to turn her down because I didn’t know what to do — what should I do in a relationship, how do I love someone, what mistakes will I make? What I knew was that I did not want to just “try” out of curiosity. Heavens forbid, if I did, I might just break her heart down the line.
I think I did the right thing because what I did next was totally unacceptable.
Curiosity Killed the Cat
When I was fourteen, many of my peers were already having relationships at school. They would be seen having food together, hanging out after school and at times. These couples would be seen holding hands or smooching at the neighboring mall.
Naturally, I became curious with the opposite sex. Boys like me in their pubescent years were eager to make a connection. And so I did.
I was the backup guitarist and vocal for the band that I played in and there was a time where we performed in another secondary school (recall chapter 2) and that’s where I reconnected with one of my fellow primary school friends who attended that school.
I thought she looked gorgeous.
In her school, she was labelled as “school flower” in Mandarin which meant that she was one of the cutest girl at school. That made me more interested in her. I got her number on through a mutual friend and we started texting with on non-colored Nokia 3310s.
The more that we communicated, the more I felt that she was a lovely person but I had no relationship experience under my belt. I didn’t know how to start a relationship or what dating even meant. Do I ask her out one-on-one? How do I know whether she’ll say yes? What if I mess it up? I was getting extreme anxiety.
As Confucius once said “Wise man learns from his mistakes, a Wiser man learns from others”, so I deferred to my peers. They suggested we hangout in a group at first as an indirect approach to “test the waters” anyway, most of us were from the same primary school and I organized for that.
The lot of us hanged out over a couple of weekends, and I was getting closer to establishing a relationship. I even asked her out on a date one-on-one where we watched a horror movie at the cinemas because she loved them. I tried to scare her during one of the jump scare scenes but her eyes were glued to the screens and didn’t even flinch one bit. I was impressed.
We were going out a lot but I couldn’t muster the courage to hold her hand. This was the next step to get into a relationship.
It was terrifying because I never held a girl’s hand before and it was risky business.
By then, I wasn’t sure whether she liked me or was just hanging out with me as “friends”. I didn’t have the guts to even ask her that nor tell her that I liked her. I was getting the jitters!
This went on for a couple of weeks. I was trying very hard to muster any ounce of bravery to hold that golden hand. And eventually, I took the leap of faith and reached out to her hand and held it tight.
My heart was racing and my palms started to sweat. Did I do something stupid?
Her surprise turned into a benevolent smile. Relieved, I awkwardly made some conversations but something in deep down just didn’t feel right.
I was still texting her daily but I couldn’t shake the feeling something was wrong. I should be serenading in bliss that I finally got into a relationship yet I felt little to nothing. In fact, I was starting to feel indifferent towards her.
I wanted more but I couldn’t pinpoint what I wanted because I didn’t know what I was missing.
Then it finally dawned on me. There was something lacking in this relationship — a thing called love.
It felt more like a close knitted friendship and nothing more. I cared for her but it wasn’t to the extent of “death do us part” and to me, my admiration for her wasn’t love. It was a picture that I painted in my head of what love was supposed to be and this wasn’t it.
I was in love with how she looked and who she was. We didn’t like the same things or had things to talk about endlessly. We behaved and saw the world differently too.
After pondering for days, I decided to break up with her. I did it over a text message which I assume was poorly received. I was an asshole for executing it over text and something I regret doing till this day.
We never talked again.
Great story bro. And I suppose we all passed through the text break up in our teenager’s years. It was just the easy way until we realise it was not the ideal way.